É, esta eu perdi. Sem chance, de terminar abruptamente com o vício da Coisa, sem o auxílio de outras coisas. No caso, meus últimos cinquenta reinaldos foram pra estas coisas adesivas. Mas, como sempre, nunca faça hoje o que podes deixar para amnhã. Como, deveras, perdi a posta pra mim mesmo e não fui capaz de segura a onda da abstinência, acabei usando os derreais que achei na rua para adquiri um maço de slow killers. Fumarei-os, hoje, de montão, de fato. E amnhã prego aquela coisa coçante em meu corpo...
Enquanto isto, me divirto ao pensar em absurdos aqui, única distração que tenho em mãos como artefacto de decoração permanente deste edíficio. Lembro-me vagamente, que esta noite sonhei com John Cleese - que se alguém aí não saiba quem é, merece morrer, após consultar o google sobre tal lenda.
Para variar, a essência do sonho foi dissolvida ao encontro abrupto com a realidade. Mas posso inventar alguma coisa a respeito, usando melhor o tempo em vão de 5000000000 segundos/minuto que acá tenho à disposição, até a hora da sorte grande, da alforria deste necrotério maldito. Ou mais apropriadamente chamando, deste pequeno-jardim, do qual sou um vaso.
-You know, I really enjoy interviewing these poor sods for this job vacancy...
(knocks on door)
-Come in!
(I come in, awkwardly as ever, and look upon Cleese, who then take some notes. Then he says:)
-Take a seat.
-Well, thank you.(there's no chair, I look around, kinda baffled)
-No, no, no, I said to "take a seat", as in taking one from room twelve and bring it here.
-Oh I see. Sorry.
-Tsk tsk tsk(takes notes)
(I went out of the room and look for room 12. There is no such thing, since all the rooms are marked from letters: Room A, Room B, and so on - so I got back to the room where the interview was taking place, Room Z.)
-Wheres the chair?
-Well, you see, there is no rrom twelve, they're all letters.
-The rooms are letters? I don't see a giant Z on this one.(takes notes, shaking head)
-No, well...you see, they are not numbered, they're lettered!
-They are lettered?
-Well, yes.
-Then take a seat from whatever letter you prefer. What is your favourite colour?
-What?
-Five, four, three, two, one, zero!(continues writing, still shaking head)
-No, no, my favourite colour is...green!
-Too late. Green? That's not a room.
-I'll take one chair from whatever room I find, i'll be back.
-Good. You have...two minutes...counting...
(I rush outside and try Room A - there are only italian students inside, speaking german)
-I'm sorry..
-Was? Ich sprechen...
-No, no, sorry.(I exit the door)
(Room B is full of nuns - they star to take their clothes off.)
-Aw, shucks! Sorry!
-No, come back, teach us your lecherous ways!
-No time, sorry!
(I try Room C - there are lots of chairs. I try to take one, but it's bolted to the ground.)
-Ah, for *bleep* sake, come on!(I force one out of the ground, and take it along with me)
(I return to Room Z)
-Here's the chair.
-Good. Now sit down.
(I place the chair across him and proceed to sit down.)
-Can you do that again?
-What? Sitting down?
-Five, four, three, two--
(I get up and sit down again in a hurry)
-Good! Very good.(takes notes)
-Thank you.
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
-Good afternoon.
-Wha-well, good afternoon.
-Tell me, why did you say "good morning" first? It's almost four o'clock in the afternoon.
-Well, you said--
-Five, four, three, two--
-Good evening!
-Ah! Very good. Very good indeed.(takes notes)
-Thank you.
(He looks at me, picks up a small bell)
-Good night...a-ding-a-ling-a-ding...(shakes bell while chanting)
-Good night.
-No, no, no, we're not done yet! You can't bid me good night, without being rude!
-Well, what am I supposed to do?
(picks up bell again)
-Good night...a-ding-a-ling-a-ding-a-ling...
-Good morning?
-Yes! Excellent.(takes notes)Now, prove that to me.
-What? Prove what?
-Prove me that it is a good morning.
-And how--
-Five, four, three, two--
-Well, it is the most gorgeous morning, I've taken a swell stroll on the park, and found ten shillings!
-Ah! Good. Give them to me.
-What?
-The ten shillings. Now.
-But--
-Five, four, three, two--
-Wait, wait(I check my wallet, but it's all out of coins)Do you have change for a quid?
-No, unfortunately I don't.(shakes head, takes notes)
-Well, keep it then!
-I'm sorry, but you said you find ten shillings, not a whole quid.
-Quid pro quo! Take it, it's yours!
-Ah, you speak Latin! That's very good! I'll take the quid.
-Here you go.
-Hmmmm....(takes notes)...tried to bribe the inspector for a mere quid...tsk tsk tsk...
-What?
-Don't "what" me! You were trying to bribe me, were you not? Trying to climb upon the very own shoulders of your fellow contestants, by trying to bribe me with this filthy note!(takes note)- Very Filthy indeed.(Shakes head, picks up the bell again.)
-Good night...ding-a-ling-a-ding-a-ling...
-Excuse me, but this is the interview for assistant inspector, isn't it?
-Yes it is. Good night...
-Oh no, here we go again...
-...ding-a-ling-a-ding-a-ling...
-It's not night yet!
-No it isn't. Good night...
-Stop doing that!
-...ding-a-ding-a-ling-a-ding...
-What? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??
-Well, I don't know. Do something! Good night...
-That's it, I'm out of here. This is nonsense! This is ludicrous!
-No, I'm afraid you already got the position, you can't leave until five PM. Unless you're on sick leave, or maternity pressures. Are you pregnant?
-What? I'm hired?
-Yes! Welcome!
-Oh thank you, thank you!
(we shake hands. But he doesn't let go of mine)
-But I'm sorry, we can't allow that kind of behaviour around here.
-What? What are you talking about?
-Well, you see...stealing chairs from other rooms...trying to bribe your interviewer...
-What?
-Zero! You're fired!
-But do I have a severance package?
-Oh no, you don't. Get out of here, you filthy bastard! Petty thief of chairs! And a briber, nonetheless!
-Oh no, you can't do that! I'll inform the police!
-The police will arrest oyu for the theft.
-No they will not!
-Yes they will.
-No they won't!
-Yes, they will!
-I'm telling you, I only brought the darned chair here because you asked me to!
-And I know you're pregnant, trying to sue us for unlawful behaviour against pregnancy laws!
-But I'm not even a woman!
-You are not? (squints eyes)Oh, I'm deeply sorry.
-What??
-I thought you were one of those lecherous nuns; we could use some more of those around this Convent.
-I thought this was a bank or something...
-No, no, no, we're very devote to God.
-But you just said you needed lecherous nuns! And you thought I was pregnant!
-Well, how can I blame a few of them lecherous nuns for getting pregnant?
-This isn't a Convent!
-Yes it is.
-No it isn't
-Yes, I assure you, we are doveted to God.
-What?? And you need lecherous nuns??
-Indeed we do. How else do you expect us priests do relieve ourselves? By taking abuse on our little choir boys?
-No...well...what? You're a priest?
-No, I'm a Bishop.
-How come you're dressed as a formal interviewer?
-I dress up just as I like! Who art thou, to judge the twisted paths of God?
-Oh no, no, no, I'm out of here!
-No! You can't do that! The orgy begins at 4:20, sharp.
-What?? An orgy?
-Well, you're a lecherous nun, aren't you?
-No!! I'm not!
-Then you're fired!
-Fired? How can can you fire a nun?
-Just like this(pulls out revolver)
-No! Don't shoot! I'm gay!
-What? (shoots)
-Well, there's one less sinful lamb of God in this Convent.
(enter middleman)
-Mr Chairman, you gotta sign for these motgages invoices, sir.
-Oh my, indeed so.
-I'm sorry sir, but have you shot another of the lecherous nuns?
-Oh not to worry, he was just gay.
-Ah, what a relief.
-There you go, Charlotte. And don't forget about the orgy!
-I know! It's about to start!
-Bless God.
-God Bless.
