Well, that's it. Today the full dose of the not-so-much "miracle" begins. I've taken two as prescribed, and will have another after lunch.
But there is something I now realize. This thing, has actually mended some of my neural defects - the shaking hands, for instance. But..it did absolutely nothing about everything else I was hoping it'd fix.
As the Golem failed to notice, I've got absolutely no self esteem. That drug did nothing about it. And it did nothing to put me at ease with small annoyances, which yet tend to make me explode in anger and frustration.
So, I don't think the full dosage will do anything else for those matters. Because ?I still got it all - pride, prejudice, lack of self-esteem, self-loathing and...as one can tell, I still feel the urge to end it all abrubtly, if this thing doesn't work.
It was my last bet. And I'm afraid I'll end up losing it. And along with it, I'll lose the fucking job, as I suspect they're already planning for my demise - my food card didn't get its refill, due to take place by the 29th of July. They did not add any credits, so it got me thinking. Maybe I'm already out of a job, and just don't know it. The same thing happened with the credits on my bus card. They aren't adding anything to it. Seems rather suspicious to me, if you ask.
Well...like I said, I'm doubting I'll live to see my 40th yesr of inexistence. And frankly, I don't care anymore.
I am sick and tired of all this shit, where there are no miracles, no hopes, nothing to live for - but to be a fucking vase on a fucking office.
"Use it as fuel, prove them wrong." - so I've been told. Yeah, right. Maybe it'd work if I was someone else.
Alas, I'm not. And this medicine did nothing about it, as proven by this last weekend I had on leave - tomorrow I return to Hell. And I'm not looking forward for it.
"If all else fails, use fire." - in my case, "use cheese."
Let's see what happens.
