that made wonder, made me sad
even though in the end I'm mad
because fear is what I got,
fear is what I know
and have ever
ever
always
known
as the major setback
on my fucked up life:
Fear.
Fear...of people
fear...of drawing
fear...to play
fear to do
whatever I wanted to do
fear always wins
fear always hold me back
and that's insane, I know
believe me I know
I've always knew
but had no will, no strength
to fight it away
since 2000, I fear a fucking
ghost, of a fucking man, with
fucked opinions, though true,
marked me with atelophobia forever
and ever, not only on papers, drawings,
but everything else too, a fear, devasting fear
of simply being not able to do
what I was supposed to do
what I was supposed to be doing
but here I am, chained in fears
and this fucking phobia
of being just like everyone else,
full of fears, full of flaws,
a human being,
nothing less, nothing more.
But fear always wins on me,
gets the worst out of me,
turned me into this fucking Monster
who's afraid of himself, more than
anything else. Afraid of mirrors,
afraid of the truth he's cleverly
hidden for so many years and years and years
I'm a fucking idiot
for getting caught in this tangle of fear
and phobias, not just one, but many,
oh so many phobias
Fuck fear! Id love to scream, and that would
somehow cure me, but, alas, it does not
it's never cured me,
of this fucking fear
in my head
What would you do
if you had no fear?
What, indeed.
I think I'd live.
I'd be alive,
instead of this
so-called "life"
I'm leading
towards a fucking
end, by the end
of the fucking year,
because nothing works,
nothing cures me,
not these meds, not
this therapy,
not the so-called
wisdom from
departed friends,
who I am slowly
pushing away,
driven by fear,
fucking fear,
because they're
right, and I'm
fucking wrong.
i've always been
fucking wrong
all this time
all my life
driven by fear
and leading
to madness,
fucking madness
nothing heals me,
nothing feels me
just like I am,
indeed I am,
a product of fear
fucking fear,
driving me inane,
driving me insane,
driving me towards
disaster, fear and death,
fucking fear.
never enough
never ends
never stops
to let me go.
