sexta-feira, 27 de maio de 2016

A ruína.

Não faz muito tempo, alguns poucos, parcos leitores cá leram o que seria a escala descendente de uma amizade , um amor de seis anos à podridão,à lama. 

Sim, trata-se mais uma vez do caso eu vs Jackeline e o povo.

A coisa só fez sentindo regredindo meses atrás,data em que EU -sobrescrevo-me eu, resolvi terminar com ela  enquarto namorados.

Por que fiz isso? 

Não me lembro. Pela alma de minha mãe, não me recordo, plea alma de minha minha sobrinha, não sei po que. E por que, no mesmo final de semana, a bloqueei no facebook. Sei que o arrependimento foi quase imediato, pois.....não cabia,não valia, não fazia sentido.

Graças às graças de minha irmã mais velha, creio, nos voltamos a falar. Mas já não éramos um casal, tech-speak sayin'. 

Mas para meu cérebro, éramos. Ainda. Meu cérebro se esqueceu que eu havia terminado com ela. E estranhei a diferença no tratamento, mas nunca questionei o porque, até um dia algo me dar uma crise de ciúme banal, simplório. Nem éramos mais namorados!

Tive de ser relembrado, passo a passo, a reconstruir um passado em que destruí tudo que foi construído em seis anos.

O Demolidor perde feio para Marcos, o Burian. Usuário contumaz de Rivotril. Que não sabe onde pôs um papel que recebeu na sexta. Que não se lembra onde estão os pendrives que mexeu ontem.

O pior foi ter destruído os seis anos de amizade. Seis anos, no esgoto do meu cérebro, que é isso que está se tornando. Um esgoto.

Daqui a seis minutos não me lembrarei de deveras ter escrito este texto.

E ainda me perguntam porque quero morrer.

quinta-feira, 19 de maio de 2016

Awful.

Here, from The Land
Of Broken Dreams,
I sit.
Naked.
Terrible, terrible.
Awful to the sight
Dreadful to the soul
In the eyes of me,
In the eyes of
the beholder.

I sit and wait
for chemical sleep to
take me away
at least, for some hours
I am nobody
I've been nobody
I will be nobody

The overdose,
did nothing

than to steal some time and joy
from
those
who
really
love me.


I forgot to add
alcohol to the mix,
dipshit dumb me.
If I did so, I'd really be
nobody, I'd get
thin and dead,
gone to push up the daisies
an ex-awful blob of fat
bearded blob of awfulness,

It was Her.
It's always Her,
Who made me somehow forget,
one long neck -poof -
I'd join the choir of invisible.

Awful, I am still here,
still awful,
awful,awful,
veering into life,
escaping reality
for a few hours only

I wanna be dead,
but got no pulse to cut them off
I wanna be gone, but the noose too thin, and might
sever the head, and that's
worse than awful
to whoever finds me.

I wanna be dead
I wanna be dead

I'm tired of being alive and
yet
already dead inside.

I'm tired of this charade,
to hurt people
and then get hurt back again
I'm tired of me
and my awfulness.

fat blob of bearded fat

From here to nowhere, I wanna go
Don't want to stay

while the Witch, is content
with her life of nothingness,
I am tired of being nothing.
than
an
most
awful
thing.


From The Lands
of Broken Dreams,
Sleep will take me away,
oonly for a few
hours,
I got nothing left,
nothing good,
I am awful and rotten.
Fat fucking blob of fucking fat.
Fat slob, who did not amount to
nothing.

I
am
Awful.

quarta-feira, 4 de maio de 2016

Nightly delusions

Aristab. (aripiprazol)
I've seen my impatience
thru generations, 1977
nineteen seventy-seven
Ass old as punk rock

as old as a young meteorite
that has fallen from the sky
almost fourty years ago.

the sky, skies,
had lost a star that night,
a supernova, caused it
implosions
and explosions
a giant, massive
black hole
left inside of
me.


a black hole
inside of
me.



you were nothing but
the spark
of explosions in
the sky,
explosions
inside
the cerebral
tissue

a black hole
inside
me.


chemicals,
chemicals
they sought
tobring back
what was left
of that explosion,
yet they fail,
they fail.


there's no coming back
from the black hole
there's no exit,
no way out,
from this giant mess
you've left behind,
in my head,
there's no way out from
myself, for
I
am
a
giant
black
hole
in the
sky.



Aristab,
Lithium,
Clonazepan,
Quetiapine,
Nicotine,
nicotine,
nicotine,
nothing,
nothing
brings me back

I should've died
but I survived,
my gran
brought me
back,
why, oh
why?

to endure another four decades
of being nothing,
despising footbal,
soccer, whatever,
can't eat
this
can't have
that,
can't love
a woman,
can't love a
man,
can't be
both,
nothing.


I
am
nothing
but
a giant
black
hole
in
the
sky
somewhere
somehow
I am
I'm not
nothing
can't

have

this


can't


have

that,


Can't

be



a lettuce
maker


a lettuce
creator


can't be
broken

yet I am,
and I
always
have been.


I am
a great
black hole
in the
sky
that
has landed
desires
everything
and get nothing
nothing.

Drugs, oh
so many
drugs
held me together,
yet sometimes,
I feel like
I'm gonna explode,
implode

into
a
giant
black
hole
in
the sky.

the sky.


the earth.


the end.

terça-feira, 3 de maio de 2016

Maria Burianova.

Vó, vovó,
por que fizeste isto?
Para que trouxeste-me
de volta?
Com que nobre propósito vivo
esta vida de cinzas,
cinzas,
a andar por um caminho
onde não sei o fim,
mas saberia,
se não tivesses
trazido-me
de volta.

Vó,
porque pegaste-me nas mãos,
me pôs no jipe,
no velho jipe,
trilhou para longe da luz,
para perto das cinzas,
alface em cinzas
e me devolveu a este mundo?

Com que propósito, pergunto eu,
enquanto pisoteio uma
plantação de alfaces
carbonizadas, irremediavelmente
para todo o sempre,
ficarão, serão,
apenas isto:
cinzas.

Eu que nestas cinzas
pensei ter descoberto o verde,
o verdume de minha vida,
encontrei apenas uma alface maior,
ainda carbonizante,
ainda em chamas,
e agora...nada.
apagou-se.

para sempre apagou-se.

Vó, vovó,
Tu que sabias o caminho de volta,
não me ensinaste o caminho de ida,
Não é este, eu presumo.
Assim acho.

Em todo meu redor o que vejo são ecos
do passado, cinzas de outras "alfaces",
de sonhos, da luta....enfim...
mortos, moribundos ou natimortos,
eu trilho este mundo de cinzas.

Vó, vovó,
Maria Burianová
onde está a cor,
uma cor, que não
estes inúmeros tons de cinza?

Onde está a cor?

Onde?

segunda-feira, 2 de maio de 2016

Hell of a year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, more bitchin' for y'all to appreciate or just let go, let it rot, whatnot. I'm just amazed how badly things are going this fucking year of thy lord, 2016. The woman I thought would never abandon me, has arose from the ashes as a 44-year old slut. Not it is just fucking lame, it is fucking disgusting as well. I've been intimate with that person, held high hopes for her, and now, it's been all tossed in the fucking dumpster. She has became the cumrag cougar bitch. How lame is that? Hertless, no-good she-devil with the rotten front teeth.Then, I tried to commit suicide eating 70 capsules of  50 miligrams of Pamelor each, and I fail at that too. Somehow, I've survived what could have easily killed 3 men of my stature. Somehow, as I described it - I don't recall most of it - my grandma prevented me from crossing the light, whatever hell or heaven was beyond, it is a fucking mistery. And I'm so lucky - no trauma, no damaged organs, just a fucking stupor, a day of shuffling around just like a zombie, loss of memory, that was all. Spent 22 hours on saline drip with medication and a very fucking boring experience at the hospital, but that was it. Suicide? Denied. For the second time in my life. Fuck pills, they just don't work, next time I'm trying a fucking noose .

But the worst thing is having to deal with this broken heart. It pisses me off, just how easily things could be avoided, if I just did not survive the Rivotril OD. 80 of those fuckers won't kill you, how fucking lame is that. I 've researched about Pamelor, the key to OD and die with them was...alcohol. If I had drunk only a fucking beercan, I'd be pushing up the daisies.

And now, I'm back....back to this fucking boring antfarm life.

Why can't I just die? I KNOW I'm too lame to still have a higher purpopse, be the next messiah or some shit like that. I'm just a 40 year old bisexual fucking man. I'm tired of this shit, why grandma did not let me die in peace?


I....am.....tired.