Ah, these are the rarest of moments. A day off..working. Meaning, no bosses around. Just gotta stick here, looking at bullshit all over the net, while the fuck-a-clock slowly ticks away the day. If only I could smoke in here, this would be an ideal day of nothingness. I'd just wait for the afternoon coffee, and have a combo right here, at my desk. But it's rather ill-advised, not only because of non-smoking policies, but then again, like I said before, we're IT and server room at the same time. And both are "secured" by a...water fire extinguisher. I've told them a million times to change the bloody thing, it's no use. In case of fire, die. Or rather, die trying to extinguish electrical fire with water. Bunch of retarded morons.
Well, the day goes by, slowly, and being all alone in this very room gives me a sense of comfort, not much unlike I got at my safeplace, my Tower, a thing I'm getting rather exhausted talking about this thing that I indeed have on me - the so-called "tolerance" over other people. And no matter how I blab about it, no one gets it. Is it that hard to grasp - I do, I swear I do, a NEED to be fucking ALONE from time to time. But not like this: I'm alone in the room, just step out of the dorr and you'll see people. My Tower is a different matter. You won't see nobody if you open the door - just a stairwell leading downstairs, usually empty. There is my place of solitude. Of absolute comfort and where i can reaaly get some peace of mind...specially when I sleep, of course.
I guess people don't get it because...well...because they are "normal" people, so to speak. I've never been normal, not on this aspect. I've always sought for solitude, even if was in a shared room with my brother, later with my sister, under the covers, I'll find my place of escape. No one will reach me. And I NEED that, I repeat, I NEED it. To be alone.
I guess it's kind of hard for "normal" people to grasp it. I'll try explaining one thing that some might never, ever felt like before, but I always did. I always felt alone. Not in the sense of being the only person on a room, no. In a worldwide sense. I've always had these moments...that I felt like I was the only person left alive on this planet. I reckon it's weird, but it has always happened to me. Specially on my early days of school, when we moved from another city to the Capital, I was scared shitless of going to school here. Where I came from, it was a rather small kindergarten - then you get the mighty "Colegio Marista(Nazista)Dom Silverio", where more than 400 students attended, at the same time, everyday.
I've never felt so alone in my life. I could not connect to anyone. I couldn't make any friends, save the ones that came along with me following the same path. But we were on separate classrooms, and the breaks, they were so damned crowded, you couldn't find anyone you already knew. I got to know my later-on "bro for life" Rafael on this very classroom, but we weren't friends back then. I only managed to get one friend - Leandro - but anyway it took me a long time to do so. All the while, I felt as alone as a man on the moon. And I gotta say, those fucking colleagues of mine were indeed icky. Much different from the kind of people I related to during kindergarten. The "Maristas" were spoiled and bullies, in most cases. School had became a living hell, for me. The only time I got peace of mind...was when I got home. Away from all those brats, those teachers, all that filth. And since we were not allowed to go out the house - my father was so paranoid he wouldn't let us go to a nearby square, to play with other kids, else we got the belt or something equally painful.
So I got used to play alone, be alone most of the time, except when Leandro came to visit or I went to his place, but that only happened once or twice. Yeah, I had a brother, but most of the time we fought like cats and dogs - I'd always lost - or he was scheming something evil. That boy was wicked, believe me. So I tried to keep my distance. And there were times, when he would pester me so much, I had to hide from him, try to escape. Sometimes it was impossible, specially because we shared the same room, so I would enter my mind and try to find some isolation there. Sometimes it worked, until he got tired of pestering me and left.
As the years passed through school, things got even harder, because on second grade, I was no longer a classmate to Leandro, so I was fucking alone again. The void, I got used to it, overtime. At school, I was alone, I felt alone, I felt weird. Just like the song "Creep" by Radiohead, I've always felt like I did not belonged there, or anywhere. I just couldn't find my place, nowhere. Couldn't find no peace either. Only when I got back home, always. When I returned to my imaginary world, my toys, my Atari...and since I couldn't go outside, food became like a fucking drug to me - I would stuff myself everytime I had the chance. So I got fas as shit, as well. More fire to the bullies' pyre. White(extra-white, if you will,) nerdy(glasses on all times), who sucked at all kinds of sports(How I fucking hated the gym classes, oh man, how I hated them, from the bottom of my heart), who was fat as a whale, I was on the Bullies' Parade everyday, each day, for more than four years.
So, what do you expect from a guy who was raised like this? Who had this type of lifestyle throughout most of his schooltime? I hated everybody else there, save for a few exceptions, true friends, and some tolerable people - but believe me, most of them were fucking DICKS, and the teachers - those were nasty too, specially the sadists on the gym departmente, who enjoyed seeing me suffer just as much as the kids. Believe me, I know it: I was a fucking joke. To everybody. There were some counsellors, but they were just as useless as the rest - one of them even suggested me that if I wore more "hip" - meaning expensive shit -clothes, I'd be more accepeted. Great advice, you piece of shit of a whore. Teachers, they didn't care, as long it was not disturbing their classes. So I was always bullied, in silence. People stole things from me, stole books from me, torn them apart, and so on - no matter why I always chose to be seated in the back of the room, where there was less assholes to deal with.
With these words alone, much of my mysanthropy can be decoded, by now, I guess. I hated everyone at that school, and that lasted until the very two last years, where I somewhat got "popular" because of my long hair and my headbanger antics. And my drawings, my comics about them teachers, they floated around as well...but it was so horribly drawn, I gotta admit it, they've sucked ass. But were funny, nonetheless. But I must say, the feeling of being alone never actually left me. I just felt weird, all the time, like I was some sort of alien indeed. I could not relate to the other peoples' lifestyles and likes, and again, the time where I felt at ease was when I got back home. Away from that hell-hole. From all those assholes. Only a few of them were decent, and only one survived, as a true brother and friend, through thick and thin, from those days, Rafael Giannetti Viotti. The rest of the "decent" ones I've lost touch, over the years. I know they are different from all the other assholes I had to deal with, but Rafael is the only one I've kept in touch since then.
I've developed, over the years of torture in that school, when we were actually having a class, the ability to seek refuge somewhere else - just like I did with my brother. That costed me, a lot of material was lost while I was "daydreaming", my grades went down, and so on. But I had to escape, from time to time. It became unbearable to me, to just BE there, feeling lonely as shit, useless as a fat coward, being bullied around all the fucking time.
Things changed a lot when I went from high school into university. It somewhat felt like I wasn't just a weirdo you could pick on, i was...just like everyone else, there. Sure, we got weirdos, freaks, metalheads and so on - all mixed together now, but in better harmony. The people I've got as a class, on the first semester of the course, they seemed to like me - like I was, no matter how weird I was. Sometimes, they would even cut expenses(everyone had to pay , say, ten bucks a piece for such event to happen) for me just to attend to certain meetings, "churrascos" and so on - "We just want you to go." So I felt less lonely. But I must confess, it never, ever left me, this sense of solitude towards this world. I remember, that it attacked me wherever I was, it was not quite rare that at some of these parties, i had to retreat to some bathroom, locking myself up...to cry senselessly. Because there it was: the feeling, of eternal solitude. Some of them resembled panic attacks - but they were not, since they passed, give or take, in a matter of 15 minutes, tops.
It was while I was on my first period there, that I made two discoveries: one, that I was, indeed, gay, but that took me 17 years to start to accept it as me. I'm still struggling with the fact, to be honest. And the other, was directly related to the first - that I found out WHAT was all about that feeling of being an alien, forever alone in a human world. I found out more people like me, who shared the same feeling, and couldn't explain. In the vaults of the newly-found universe called internet. I found something I could weirdly relate to- and there were others just like me. All I have to say about that, that it is a fandom - a communion of people revolving the same interests - or most of them, because such fandom is one of the internet's most hated one, and no wonder, there are some truly bizarre things about it. I'm not gonna talk about that. I just found that I belonged there, at least to a degree.
Yet, somehow, it didn't make things any easier, these two facts. One, I can't even begin to tell how fucked up was for me to see everyone around me getting "lucky" while I had no guts to tell, anyone, about the fact I've discovered...about my sexuality. Back then, I would definitely lose my "status" with the group, or even be totally rejected...I remembered all the bullying I had to deal through school, I wouldn't take it again. So I kept in denial. And like the quote - "never underestimate the power of denial," I've endured it. But it was torture. It really was. Everyone had kissed someone, everyone got laid, everyone did everything - I did nothing. I hid. And, to be honest, even after finding the said fandom, the state of loneliness wouldn't go away, instead, it got worse. Because I knew WHAT I was, WHO I was - but it stopped there. I've never had the guts to talk to other people in the fandom. Never. So it really made things worse.
So, here it is - my actual dilemma. To lead life like this, has taught me some things: I hate most people, firsthand. Get to know 'em to see if I truly accept them. But since I don't know not even close to a quarter of all the people in the street, I hate 'em all. All but obstacles in my way home. And, I truly need, NEED, to get alone sometimes, just to get in touch with who I actually am - and that is a Monster to society, even to me, sometimes. From time to time, my tolerance towards people goes to zero. And that's when I NEED my Tower - it was indeed, the refuge I sought off all these years. Even so, I've yet to manage the "eternal loneliness" problem, but when I think about it, the risks involved...I just get more unhopeful that it will ever end.
"The problem isn't the problem / The solution is the problem" - basically, it is. It truly is. What do I need? I know. How do I get it. I think I know that, too. But do I do anything about it?
Don't have the guts to do it, basically. Because I fucking fear people. And even more, imagine people whose interests, basically the same as mine - makes me picture myself as a fucking Monster, I cannot do it. There might be even more psychos out there. I fucking fear these people, just like I fear all the rest - or even more, knowing what they're into - the same twisted shit I am, but some are creepier, believe me. And with my luck...I'll land with an even worse Monster.
Oh, the non-humanity.
