The sheets were wet and cold
The lights were on, my eyes were gone
And any second lose control
The pounding on my window's
Just the pounding in my head
I wonder who was in my room last night
Who the hell was in my bed?
There must have been a body there
I swear I felt some flesh
It took a little time, but I figured they were mine
There were fingers going down my chest
My mouth went through the ceiling
And my body fell to the floor
I couldn't find a key 'cause there was no hole I could see
And someone had moved the door
The cops, the priest, the crisis line
And no one really had a clue
No one to tell us who was touchin' me
Or exactly what I could do
My throat was dry, my hopes were high
But nothing really ever got said
But who was in my room last night?
Who the hell was in my bed?
(Butthole Surfers, "Who was in my room last night?" )
That song pretty sums up what happened to me last night, or rather, the whole of yesterday.
I have no idea what happened.
All I know is that I had a major breakdown, gagging crying and all, I almost went crazy. Just like the old days. And believe me, it was no picnic.
I had what I'd call 90% close to having a panic attack. In my house. In my attic.
What the hell?
I guess it was a mix up of a fucked up day. I found out that I won't be able to continue treating with my present therapist, not on my own, not with this piece of SHIT paycheck.Adn to add salt to the wound, I was supposed to receive a delivery home yesterday. Guess who was there to answer the fucking door? No one. And it wasn't being transported by the Post Office, rather another company. I have no idea what they'll do, if they'll try to deliver it again, just like the PO does, or if they will just store it somewhere and it's up to me to get the fucking package. Fuck.
Believe me, it was fucking awful. I thought I'd go crazy.
But today...I dunno...today, it feels pretty normal to me. No anxieties or panic. Just a minor family annoyance, my mum asking me why I don't talk to her anymore, "Because I got nothing to say," it's apparently a wrong answer. "Don't you want to listen?" - "No. It's always the same shit, all over again and again." - again, other wrong answer. I can't help it. I got no patience for her, specially her. And I can't say just why. I just do not tolerate being around her. Again, I have no idea why. Guess I grew tired of listening to same rabble - "the neighbours, your aunt, your dad, your sisters, blah blah blah" Same ol' shit. Yeah, I should be ashamed. I'm not. I'm fucking tired of her talk. I am.
Anyways, let's see what happens today. Hopefully, that dreadful feeling is really gone. Feels gone, but I dunno.
