(Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr and Mrs Bun enter - downwards (on wires))
Mr Bun: Morning
Waitress: Morning
Mr Bun: What have you got, then?
Waitress :Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam;
egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Mrs Bun: Have you got anything without spam in it?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Mrs Bun: I don't want ANY spam!
Mr Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Mrs Bun: That's got spam in it!
Mr Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Mrs Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Waitress: Uuuuuuggggh!
Mrs Bun: What d'you mean uuugggh! I don't like spam
Vikings: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ...
(Brief stock shot of a Viking ship.)
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Mrs Bun: Why not!
Waitress: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it.
Mrs Bun: I don't like spam!
Mr Bun: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Vikings: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Mr Bun ... baked beans, spam, spam and spam.
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr Bun: Well can I have spam instead?
Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam?
Vikings: (still singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam ... (etc.)
Mr Bun: Yes.
Waitress: Arrggh!
Vikings: .. . lovely spam, wonderful, spam.
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!
(The Vikings shut up momentarily. Enter the hungarian.)
Hungarian: Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam ...
Vikings: (starting up again) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...
Waitress: Shut up!
(A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out.)
Hungarian: My nipples explode...
(Cut to a historian.)
(SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A HISTORIAN')
Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same.
They sailed from these fiords here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly
winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe
and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...
(The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the cafe again, The Vikings start singing again and the historian conducts them)
Vikings: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam. Lovely spam wonderful spam ...
(Mr and Mrs Bun rise slowly in the air)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'IN 1970 MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS LAY IN RUINS, AND THEN THE WORDS ON THE SCREEN SAID:'
Fade out and roll credits, which read:
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND SPAM PERFORMED BY
SPAM TERRY JONES
MICHAEL SPAM PALIN
JOHN SPAM JOHN SPAM
JOHN SPAM CLEESE
GRAHAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM CHAPMAN
ERIC SPAM EGG AND
CHIPS IDLE
TERRY SPAM SAUSAGE SPAM
EGG SPAM GILLIAM
ALSO APPEARING ON TOAST
THE FRED TOMLINSON SPAM EGG
CHIPS AND SINGERS
RESEARCH PATRICIA HOULIHAN AND SAUSAGE
MAKEUP PENNY PENNY PENNY AND SPAM NORTON
COSTUMES EGG BAKED BEANS SAUSAGE AND TOMATO, OH, AND
HAZEL PETHIG TOO
ANIMATIONS BY TERRY (EGG ON FACE) GILLIAM
FILM CAMERAMAN JAMES (SPAM SAUSAGE EGG AND TOMATO)
BALFOUR (NOT SUNDAYS)
FILM EDITOR RAY (FRIED SLICE AND GOLDEN THREE DELICIOUS)
MILLICHOPE (SPAM EXTRA)
SOUND CHIPS SAUSAGE LIVERWURST, PHEASANT, SPAM, NEWSAGENTS, CHIPS, AND PETER ROSE
LIGHTING OTIS (SPAM'S OFF DEAR) EDDY
DESIGNER ROBERT ROBERT ROBERT ROBERT BERK AND TOMATO
PRODUCED BY IAN (MIXED GRILL) MACNAUGHTON 7/&D
BBC SPAM TV
SERVICE NOT INCLUDED
...Spam. That's what you are, from now on.
