Tell Me About Your Bullshit.

Let's all have a laugh, shall we? Since today is a rather loooooooonnnnnng day, since I've been up since 3:50, we all need a good laugh. I was googling(I think it IS now a proper verb, nowadays) more questions to answer, came across this website about job interviews, questions and best answers, things not to answer, etc. We all know, for a fact, that most of these kinda questions are fucking bullshit per se, so, let's see how would your truly answer this particular questionnaire.

• Tell me about yourself - 

Oh, I'm a modern Diogenes. You know, living in a dusty attic with all its adendums, like brown recluse spiders and silverfish. And dust, so much dust. But I've gotten quite used to live in filth. 

• What is your greatest weakness? - 

You stupid cows always come up with this bullshit. Honestly? All of them. I'm prone to addiction, prone to get angry, I hate people - so I hate you, as well -  I have the shortest fuse possible on a bomb, and I fucking hate interviews. So go fuck yourself.

• What is your greatest strength? - 

That's easy: none.

• How will your greatest strength help you perform? - 

In no way, obviously. Stupid bitch.

• How do you handle failure? -

Badly, oh so badly. I punch walls, scream like a fucking lunatic, swear loudly and all that dance. 

• How do you handle success? - 

Success? What the fuck is that?

• Do you consider yourself successful? Why? - 

I don't know what the FUCK, that's F-U-C-K, you are talking about, bitch.

• Are you lucky? - 

Most of the time, no. But I once found a small pouch with $120 in it. That was my biggest strike of luck.

• Are you nice? - 

Are you a fucker? No, I'm not fucking nice, you swine.

• How would you describe yourself? - 

A 38-year old loser, living off his parents yet, with anti-social behaviour, who got no marketable skills. That good enough for you? Cunt.

• Describe a typical work week -

Most of the time, I pretend to be actually working, when in fact I'm browsing the web for futile past times, taking some breaks to go to the bathroom and do 600 abs excercises, and sometimes I slip with my cup of joe to the stairwell to have a smoke and enjoy this rather shitty coffee. But when actual work arrives, I really do it - I've never failed to deliver what I was supposed to. But it's all small time business too- nothing complex. I just love when I have to deal with the machines -computers - themselves, you know, building one up from scratch.

• Describe your work style - 

Work Style? Fuck off. I work doing what I am supposed to do. Style? Seriously, go  fuck yourself.

• Do you work well with other people? - 

No. I hate people. They're all a bunch of bastards.

• Do you take work home with you? - 

Ahahahahhahahahhhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha, fuck you, really. Work? Home? These do not match, you fucking imbecile. Not for me, at least. 

• How are you different from the competition? - 

I'm the loser. 

• How do you view yourself? Who do you compare yourself to? - 

I view myself as a fucking waste of a human being. I compare myself to a trashcan.

• How many hours do you normally work? - 

Just the ones I'm obliged to - no more. Extra hours? Fuck. OFF.

• How would you adjust to working for a new company? - 

Depends on the fucking company, idiot. Seriously, how dumb are you? Like a door? A post?

• How would you describe the pace at which you work? - 

Slowly as possible, to fill up these fucking nine hours I'm obliged to stay in the shithole you people call "work."

• How do you handle stress and pressure? - 

Badly, very badly. Usually I have a nervous breakdown each year. 

• Is there anything else we should know about you? - 

I can play a lot of cool tunes in the guitar. 

• What motivates you? - 

Money, obviously. But that's not me to decide, but my Boss. And since he does not want me to get a proper salary, I live on bread crumbs.

• Are you a self motivator? - 

Nope. Not. At. ALL.

• What do you find are the most difficult decisions to make? - 

Again, what is the situation we're talking about? You're so fucking vague...how do you expect people to answer these stupid, obnoxious questions that are so fucking vague. Assholes.

• What has been the greatest disappointment in your life? - 

To have to deal with shit like this to get a fucking job.

• What are you passionate about? - 

Playing the guitar, drink coffee, smoke cigarrettes and weed. Oh, and sex, but that just me vs me, since I'm the most single guy on the fucking planet.

• What are your hobbies? - 

Music, working out, writing some story every now and again...and write this bullshit at work, while I was supposed to be working. But thaere ain't no work, so fuck it. I write.

• What are your pet peeves? -

 Anything dealing with people irritates me. Specially if there's more than one person involved. I fucking hate people. Did I mention you're included? You have a special place - I fucking hate job interviewers.
 

• What do people most often criticize about you? -  

I dunno, I don't listen to gossip. My therapist says I have low self-esteem. She's wrong. I have NO self-esteem. None. Nada. Niente. Nothing.  

• What is the biggest criticism you received from your boss? - 

I dunno. They all talk behind my back, not directly to me. Because I'm practically a deadweight anyway, just "a friend of the owner" they have to tolerate.

• What is the worst thing that you have ever gotten away with? - 

Er, shoplifting? Because I do it a lot, specially on this Verdemar near here.

• What is your dream job? - 

To be a tattoo artist...but these useless shaking hands won't let me.

• What is your professional development plan? - 

What the fuck is that? Plan? Shove the plan up your ass, bitch.

• What makes you angry? - 

You. And these stupid interviews.

• What strategies would you use to motivate your team? - 

Me, motivating a team? AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA get real, asshole.

• What will you miss most about your last job? - 

I didn't have any previous job. So, nothing.

• What won’t you miss about your last job? – 

See answer above.

• What would you be looking for in an applicant? - 

How gullible he is, how commandable he is, you know. Because all you people need are fucking robots these days, not persons.

• When was the last time you were angry? What happened? - 

The las time was this morning, when a fucking mosquito woke me up. I got up, tried to kill the fucker, but couldn't find my chinese electric racquet, so I just gave up, brew some coffee and went to work extra early.

• Would you rather be liked or respected? - 

If there's a line in between tese, I can't see it.  Oh, I get it. People "respect" the boss, but behind his back, they talk shit about him. So, I guess I'd rather be liked. I've got no skills to acquire any respect anyway.

• Why did you choose your major? - 

Because I was a fucking 17-year old MORON, that's why. Would you choose water over wine? That's what I did. Biology instead of Medicine. What a fucking imbecile I was.

• Why did you go back to school? - 

Because I had this dream to at least be an illustratore, since tatto artist is out of the question. But what I really learned in the Art university, was that today's art is shit. Just plain SHIT with a fucking asshole posing as an artist reciting his "theory" about his piece of trash he's trying to sell. And people buy this shit, at fucking high prices. Like I said, you know, people...not only bastards, but fucking dumb as hell.

• Why should I take a risk on you? - 

Let me recite Black Keys to you, "It's up to you now." - as you can see, I don't give two shits for these fucking questions. They prove absolutely nothing about a person. Fucking assholes who came up with this bullshit.

• If you could relive the last 10 years of your life, what would you do differently? - 

I would NOT go to Art School. No fucking way.

• If the people who know you were asked why you should be hired, what would they say? 

What am I, a mind reader? I don't know! Go and ask them, you fucking asshole.

• Do you prefer to work independently or on a team? - 

Independently. I fucking hate people, y'know. I've already told this at least 10 times already. Dumb bitch.

• Give some examples of teamwork - 

No. Because I got none.

• What type of work environment do you prefer? - 

One that's relaxed enough to not have a fucking dress code, at least.

• How do you evaluate success? - 

If it worked, it's a success. If it didn't, it's a failure. How hard is that, you moron?

• If you know your boss is 100% wrong about something how would you handle it? - 

I'd probably keep my mouth shut. Actually, it's what I do. Because I know my boss IS wrong, but there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He just tolerates me because we used to be best friends.

• Describe a difficult work situation / project and how you overcame it - 

On IT? Just google it. Most of the time, it works. 

• Describe a time when your workload was heavy and how you handled it - 

I worked my ass off. That's it. I had to come saturdays. I fucking hated it.

Questions About Your Qualifications

• Are you overqualified for this job? - 

Nope. To do what I do as a job per se, I only need internet and google to know how to handle problems. 

• Describe how you managed a problem employee - 

Never been a boss. Are you fucking nuts? I'm the slave, not the slavedriver.

• How did you impact the bottom line? - 

I fell down some stairs.

• What applicable attributes / experience do you have? - 

I've built a lot of computers from scratch. I punch in numbers in ERP Programs really fast. That's all I do here, at this dead end job.

• What can you do better for us than the other candidates for the job? – 

I can play guitar, the instrument, not Guitar Hero, like they do.

• What part of the job will be the least challenging for you? -

(can't answer this. I dunno what's the job in question)

• Which parts of this job are the most challenging for you? - 

See previous answer.

• What philosophy guides your work?- 

Murphy's Law.

• What strength will help you the most to succeed? - 

When I get angry, I focus on the thing until either it's working or I lose my mind and destroy it.

• Why are you interested in taking a lower level job? - 

Because you chumps wouldn't hire a fucker like me to be CEO. I'm a fucking loser, I know and accept it, so I gotta take the most low-level job you've got. In my case, being a deadbeat to the fucking Empire.

• Why are you interested in a non-management job? - 

Because I hate people.

Interview Questions About Your Work History

• What were your expectations for the job and to what extent were they met? - 

When I got back to this dump, I'd expect that at some point there would appear something important, meaningful to do. It didn't happen. So, I'm stuck on this shit until either I die or find something else...but that's very, very unlikely. Because I've got absolutely NO fucking work skills.

• What were your responsibilities? - 

 Do as told. Keep your mouth shut. Build and repair computers. Intall and configure the OS. You know, IT job. But low-level IT.

• What major challenges and problems did you face? How did you handle them? - 

None that I can think of. Sometimes we got a problematic machine that takes more time to repair, but it's really easy to do.

• What have you learned from your mistakes? - 

Don't repeat them. 

• What did you like or dislike about your previous job? - 

I had no previous job. Been in this dump for 10 years now. Unless you considerate that internship at the Zoology Dept. as a job. That was a nightmare, because I got the most horrendous boss. I still wann murder that son of a bitch.

• Which was most / least rewarding? - 

What are oy talking about? What sort of fucking question is this? Again, cut the fucking vague stuff, asshole.

• What was the biggest accomplishment / failure in this position? - 

None. I am just a fucking IT employee. I got a boss, I do as told when there'sww a fucking REAL job, and most of the time I do nothing at all. So I try to work out in the fucking bathroom or in the servers area. And sometimes slip away with coffee and fags.

• What was it like working for your supervisor? - 

It's fine. My boss is a rather nice guy, and I know he covers for me on a lot of my failures. 

• What do you expect from a supervisor? - 

Patience. And a blind eye now and again.

• What problems have you encountered at work? - 

Fucking dealing with out of date software and cheap machines, with shitty parts that fail every six months. I know, REALLY know there's money to be spent on, if they really wanted this place to be state of the art business, but they just keep on buying crap. Tight-assed fuckers, the owners of this empire.

• Have you ever had difficulty working with a manager? - 

When I was working with accounts, I did, because he was a fucking backstabber and a terribel boss, who wouldn't explain how import things really were, so I slacked off ONCE and almost cost me a job.

• Have you worked with someone who didn't like your work? - 

I. Don't. Read. Minds. ASSHOLE.

• How did you fit in with the company culture? - 

Culture? Here? In this bunch of imbeciles who don't even know a fucking word in English? Ahahahahahahahhahaha, their culture is BBB, Soap Operas and buying shit like purses and fake watches. Almost none of them read. So, their "culture" is similar to what you'd find in a fucking slum. No kidding.

• How have you impacted worker safety? – 

What?

• Who was your best boss and who was the worst? - 

Best one is my current one, Ramaldes. Worst one was Enerson. An even worse was the one from my internship at Bio- Marcos. The motherfucker even had the same name as me.

• Describe your ideal boss - 

Tolerant, patient, not too demanding...I dunno.

• Describe the gap in your employment history - 

Ah, the gap was one of the WORST mistakes of my life, when I tried to build a career on art. And went back to the university. That was my BIGGEST mistake in ten years, at least. 

Interview Questions About Money

• What were your starting and final levels of compensation? - 

Less than 400 when I got in, now I'm up to 1400.

• What are your salary expectations - 

I don't need that much. You know, 3K would do fine, but they will NEVER pay me that much on this dead-end job.

• What are your salary requirements - both short-term and long-term? - 

Well, if they keep up at this level, I'll have enough to survive, but not enough to spend on almost anything. And people wonder why I don't have a fucking social life...

• Why would you take a job for less money? - 

No way. Never. I cam barely make ends meet with my current salary. Fuck off.

Interview Questions About the Future

• What are you looking for in your next job? What is important to you? - 

Next job? There is no such a thing. 

• Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? -  

 Right here, doing the SSDD dance.

•  Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 

I'd really like to die in this period. I'd love to be dead by then. Dead, buried and forgotten.

• What are your goals for the next five years / ten years? - 

Goals? To keep at least this job. To not get fired. To not get another mental breakdown.

• How do you plan to achieve those goals? - 

Just keep doing as I'm told....and keep on taking my medication.

• How would you feel about working for a younger manager? -

I'd have no problem at all, if the guy was like my actual boss.


Eheheheheheheeh, I guess I'd be rejected from ANY interview. And you know, it's all shit in the end.
Just like this:

 And that's all that fucking matters: MONEY. Just fucking money. Forget dreams, passions, everything. What I need is fucking money. MONEY. 

Alas, I'm stuck on this shithole....well, at least, it's not so bad, because I'm in a rather "privileged" position as being one of the (former) best friends of the owner of this Empire.

And that's it. I really, REALLY hope I die in ten years. Otherwise, I think I'll just shoot myself. Nah, guns are too expensive. I'd buy a piece of Brie and eat it. That should be enough to kill me.

Why?

Because I know I'm not really going anywhere in this fucking job, that's why. I'll be broke forever, and if my parents die, then I'm fucked. Proper fucked, even. I can'tsustain myseklf, not with this laughable salary. I know that. And furthermore, I know it's not gonna change. I even asked my Owner, or Boss, for a simple raise. 

No.

No.

No.

No.

We don't have jobs for biologists here.

So that's it I'm fucked. When my parents die, I think I'll really commit suicide. Because I'll be...just homeless. Just like that. Can't afford to sustain myself, pay rent, buy groceries and all on this shit salary. 

"So why you don't try to find another job?"

Because no one would hire a deadbeat with no marketable skills like me. Unless it was a janitor or something in the like job, but believe me, I'm tired of dealing with shit. If I had to be underpaid and deal with REAL shit, I'd have done myself in already.

Yes....the future is fucking darkness. Never-ending darkness.