I know, I know. I've been bitching way too much today, believe me, I am self-aware of that behaviour.
It's just....well, you know. It's been a bad day. A rollercoaster of negative emotions ebb through me. And I just don't get it. I'm not abusingly smoking weed - abuse of THC WILL bring you down - and I'm taking my meds regularly. And like I said, the dose has been increased.
So, what the FUCK is wrong with me?
Is this bad karma? Is this because I cut all relations to a man that's not only a mysoginist, but also a fucking homophobe? Is this because of the things I've shoplifted from Verdemar?
It all makes me think about that shit I posted earlier, the so-called 7 "cardinal rules" of life(as if). Look at this: "No one is in charge of your happiness. Except you."
This is just like that thing most idiots says about depressed people - "You are like this only because you want.", or in plain portuguese, "Você só tá assim porque quer."
This is absolutely the WORST thing you can tell to a depressed person, in my opinion. NO.
NO.
WE ARE NOT LIKE THIS BECAUSE WE WANT IT!!!
Fuck everyone that disagrees. We do NOT voluntarilly control our brain chemistry, morons. We do NOT control our fucking GENES. We need treatment. Some idiots just don't get it - IT. IS. A. FUCKING. DISEASE. Asshats.
Sure, external factors influence on the outcome, of course they do - I'd be a lot happier with a 3k salary than less than 2k. "Money don't buy happiness." - FALSE. The only thing I do agree that money can't buy you is health. And even there, it helps, because it allows you to have access to proper doctors, not all those HOAXES Unimed has for "psychiatrists" - they're the worst.
Here, let me illustrate. I've been to some of those frauds. The "session" goes like this:
- Welcome. What's the matter with you?
- Oh doctor, I want to die. My life is a fucking ruin and---
- Take these meds, come back next month. Next!
I'm not joking. This is the way they "treat" mentally ill patients. I know, I've heard it from doctors, Unimed don't pay them SHIT. They cover 15 minutes of these so-called "sessions". It's not enough even to begin to explain your problem. And they just toss you pills. It was one of these frauds that got me started on that nightmare called Risperidone.
On the other hand, if you pay 800 bucks per session, you can get access to the very best psychiatrist I've ever been to. Again, a big "thank you" to my Owner, my Boss.
But I can't help but feel terrible today. As if I've done something awfully wrong, like murdering somebody. Abuse children. I don't know. I feel terrible.
I'm known for my own theology, that, yes, there is some kind of deity in charge. I used to think that I was just too funny for him, that he liked to see me unnerved by small potatoes.
Nowadays, I just think whatever it is, it hates me. Just like that.
And that, I cannot control, at all. After all, we're just like "The Sims" to It(Him/Her/Whatever).
That's why I don't believe in miracles. Nor that whatever deity is in command, it is NOT a benevolent force. To me, there is no separation, no Devil and God. Good and Bad, it's one and the same. It is a single entity. That makes fun of our lives. That laughs at us. That let evil persist.
Fuck the Bible, fuck the "Corão", fuck whatever holy text you show me. It's all fucking bullshit. Written by MEN, not by a god. MEN wrote the damned Bible. And MEN are evil.
What if this so-called "Holy Book" was written as a PRANK? It could well have been. "Let's write what we approve in our people's behaviour and tell them that this is the word of GOD."
Ha, ha, ha.
They all shared a merry laughter.
There is no heaven nor hell. Well, HELL could be called "Planet Earth" for all I know. Because this fucking world is ALL fucked up. All ROTTEN.
Oh shit, I think I'm a bit delirious from the lack of sleep. Forgive me if I'm sounding like a deranged preacher.
My mind is broken. Defective. It has always been. And now that I see that even the strongest antidepressants won't stop me from being a fucking idiot with no motivation, no self-esteem and all that dance, I feel like I'm doomed.
Fuck this shit, y'know. Let this fuckup day die. I have Clonazepan. I will take a triple dose right now and go to bed.
Sorry about the shitty content of this day. It has been a fucking awful day to me.
G'night, if there is anyone reading...."no one reads your fucking blog," said the Ogre in that awful mail that sealed his fate. That ended our friendship.
And I suppose he's right. Who wants to read this shit? People won't read not even a fucking meme that contain more than 10 words. So why would they read the ramblings of a deranged faggot?
Ah, fuck this day. Game over.
