Weird title, eh? Well, all these holidays have been good and all, but frankly, I am pretty bored and depressed. Yeah, this shit ain't working no longer. I mean, the drugs. The legal drugs. The fucking Parnate.
So, I found out that I do love a real stand up comedy. First, I saw Bill Burr's "I'm sorry you feel that way", and I laughed my ass off. Then, I began to watch almost every north american comics doing their stand ups, some are quite good, others are just plain fucking dumb...and everyone laughs, all the same.
Yeah, I know. North americans have a...well, retarded sense of humor sometimes. Then I saw Lewis Black, a 65 year-old comic, in his special "Old Yeller", and I laughed a lot...because he was talking about deep, serious issues that are taking place in the US of A, but he was also the angriest comic I've ever saw.
So I thought, "Well, I'm angry AND depressed. Maybe I should just go onstage one of these days." I bet that they would laugh their asses out. Imagine this:
Me: Today, when I woke up, there was something in the toilet bowl. No, it wasn't shit(laughter). It was a fucking frog! (laughter, cheers) It was also a rare moment in my life, where I could actually say, "What the FROG?!" (laughter, applause)
And it would go on on and on. Just me being me onstage, they would laugh. I bet.
Me: You know, I have chronic depression. No laughter at that, eh? (laughter) Well, but I'm being treated by one of the best doctors available...if you are a rich man. And do I looke like a rich man? Me, and my fucking job, which consists in mostly doing fucking nothing all day long? (laughter) I'm telling you man, I don't mean shit to that company. But I'm a friend - or used to be - of the fucking owner of the place. And no, I did'nt blow him for the fucking job, OK? (laughter) I begged him. (laughter) That's the lowest point in a man's life, man, when you have to beg for a fucking job. But it was either the begging an humiliation...or get thrown out of the house by my mom. (laughter, applause) She was like, "You are a fucking bum! I'm gonna toss you outta here one of these days!" And I was, like, "But mom, I'm on a full-time job already. I am in fucking college!" (laughter, applause) And let me tell ya, those college years were fucking horrible. And we were so broke, because I got a madman as a father, who whored and burned all our money on his "midlife crisis", you know. So we were fucking broke. In fact, I was so fucking broke, I'd took the money my mom would give to me for four bus fares, and a meal in that horrible, digusting building they call "Bandejão", which I highly recommend, if you're trying to discover new species crawling on your food. (laughter) I was like, "Ah, so here is where they kept the missing link." (laughter) But I ate there only once, because I think I may have caused the extinction of a species yet to be discovered when I ate that...thing that was supposed to be...well, meat. I'm telling you man - that meat is from an unknown species...and not even cattle, I think it was a hybrid, or what we fancily call, a "chimera." (laughter, cheers) But I digress. I was saying how fucking broke I was back then. Well, to be fair, I still AM broke, but...(laughter, cheers) But in those days, I came up with a plan to get me lots of money. Like, 50 bucks per month(laughter) I would take one bus, that lead me into one of the most dangerous slums of the city....and walk 4 fucking kilometers to the campus. And that was not all - I gave up eating new species, I didn't want to endanger some already endangered -but unknown -species(laughter). So that's what I did, for four years, I took one bus, walked four Km, then when the classes were over - somewhere around 2 or 3 AM, I can't remember(laughter) I walked BACK into the slum and took the same bus back home. And I'm telling you man, if you have a problem with obesity, just do it like I did, because i fucking lost 20 kilos in three months of doing that shit.(laughter) I'm for real! Everyone thought I got AIDS or something. (laughter) And I thought they were exaggerating, until I saw a picture of me back then. I looked just like one of these anorexic models we see on those stupid fashion shows, where you see skeletons wearin Yves Saint Laurent. (laughter, applause) But I wished I got AIDS (audience goes, "ooooo") Because if I did, it would mean that I actually had REAL sex! (laughter, applause)
I'm not kidding. I'm sure it would be a hit. Imagine this also:
Me: I'm thinking about firing my psychologist, man. I was taking her seriously, and then she suggested that I watched a film. No, it wasn't a proper film, like "Inception" or even "Interstellar" - no, no Christopher Nolan for the depressed man.(laughter) She recommended that I watched...Well, the worst thing my eyes have ever seen. I swear to you, this shit will give me nightmares for life. No, it wasn't a Roseanne special(laughter, cheers, applause) It was..."What the fuck do we know?" Because that fucking BLEEP in the name of that garbage is one of the rarest times that the censorship guys would go, "Man, what a piece of shit. Put the FUCK instead of this fucking BLEEP bullshit in the title, to warn people!" (laughter) I swear, that shit is almost as bad as reading that otther piece of shit thing, called "The Secret" - the secret is that nobody got richer or happier because they've read that shit. The only person who got actually rich was that hoax of an author, yeah, she rolled in the money of the idiots who bought that piece of shit. (laughter) Now, back to the film - if you can call garbage "film"(laughter) - it is basically "The Secret meets random quantum physics quotes." (laughter) Well, you see, there are some...well, random unknown people claiming to be PhDs and theologists, and they would say....basically what "The fucking Secret" claims. It should be called "The secret: the live motion picture" (laughter, applause) I specially liked how the main character of the fucking thing wokes up hungover, looks at herself in the mirror of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, breaks it, and then she get "enlightened" by the experience, and start drawing hearts all over herself. Then she sleeps on a bench like a fucking hobo, and realizes she's cured from her anxiety disorder, and throws away her pills. That's it, that's the cure for anxiety disorders. (laughter) Man, I've gota tell you, last year I got so mad at my own reflection, that not only I broke the fucking mirror, I ripped the whole damn cabinet off the wall and tossed it away. It didn't cure me. (laughter) If breaking a mirror will cure you from anxiety, ripping the whole fucking thing off the wall and tossed it across the fucking room should've cured me from the AIDS I don't have!(laughter) In fact, it shoud've made me immune to fucking cancer! (Laughter, applause) Ooooooh, I get it. I forgot to draw the fucking hearts all over my body. (laughter) I knew something was amiss.(laughter, applause)
I should really give it a shot, if I lived in the US. I saw a comic - Josh Blue - who has cerebral palsy. And he made everyone laugh at his condition, including himself. Why can't a depressed loon like me do the same thing?
Oh well. Yeah. Because life sucks and I was born here, in this fucking shithole of a country.
You can all laugh now. Thank you and goodnight!
