Still here. I'm not going to proceed with my already thourough planned self-murder, not befor I have the next appointment with my doc, to tlee him, to his fac, that what he prescribed me was shit in pill form. Or, like I said befor, "fake cocaine", as it'll give you two weeks of a super high, then throw you back right into the mud of depression, anger, hostility and self-loathing.
That's Parnate, boys and girls. Don' take it. It's not worth it.
Man, I am having all these murderous thoughts too. I guess that's why I feel the need to arrive here two hours befor people start to pollute the streets. Yesterday, As I rode the bus back home, some of those we call "pivetes" - or future robbers, rapists, murderers and drug dealers, also "took" on the bus, barely hanging from outside. I was sitting right in front of the bus door, and saw the little fucker's hands gripping on the rubber inning of the door.
The thought came to mind almost immediately. I envisioned the whole thing. I'd get up, kick on those fingers with these fucking hard-ass boots until the future filth had fallen out of the bus, and ended up being mangled by traffic, or the bus itself.
I swear I really wished I had the balls to do it. But then, what would happen to me? I'd be arrested, charged with child slaughter - as if those things were human to begin with - and things would get even worse.
So no, I did not kick the fucker's fingers. I stood there, imagining it all though. And smiled darkly to myself. I'd have a laugh over that, for sure. Why do I gotta pay for the fucking bus fare, and those motherfuckers, scums-to-be filthy things get to ride for free?
But I did not murder anyone.
Then I got home, and was so amped up with hatred. I turned on my PC, which has a fucking idiotic tendency not to recognize the SSD HD as the boot driver, sometimes it appears on the BIOS, sometimes it acts as if doesn't exist at all, and the fucking thing keep on trying to boot from the backup data HD. It does that at least one time before I'd press the familiar CTRL+ALT+DEL combination. But no, yesterday was a special day, for it repeated this lameness for four times.
And on the fifth attempt...it failed once again. I was fuming with anger, I wished I'd destroyed the whole damn thing, but the "voice of reason", even if weakened had it right- if you do that, you're gonna regret it, because you'll be simply without a PC for a long, long time. That thing cost me more than 3000 bucks to build it. I don't know why THE FUCK the BIOS keeps on ignoring the existence of the SSD, but all I know was that I had to destroy something, so I opened a locker, full of of old shitty keyboards, picked up the first on top, and smashed it to bits, all the time screaming incoherently things.
So, I came back to the rebellious PC and rebooted it for the sixth time, and it booted the rigth way. I sighed in relief, because I think I wouldn't be able to at least punch the fucking keyboard or the screen.
I've read about this fuck-up on the fucking BIOS of this shitty motherboard but to no avail. No one mentioned the same motherbord, no matter how I googled it.
Well, at least I did the right thing, and did not prived me of my only source of entertainment in that dusty attic.
But once again, how long can I mantain this? How long before I lost all my shit, and end up doing something terrible? At work, I have to force myself to keep it down, or else I WILL be fired. And I just can't get out of this shithole, no matter how bad they pay me. I need this fucking job.
I'm going crazy, man. I am. Nuts.
Same Shit, Different Days, forever and ever...until the plan takes place. It won't be long now. At least not if the said "miracle-worker" fails once again.
I can't be fixed. Nothing can get me fixed. I am a ticking bomb.
When will it go off?
Well, you'll know.
