What have you got...?

...to offer?

...that was the question of the day, proposedby my psychologist. She thinks I really need to get into the ship. The relation-ship.

A relationship.

I won't deny it, being the damned romantic fool I am, I often daydreamed(during nights, too) of having one of those. Someone that cares about me, in a different, peculiar way. Someone to talk to. Someone to vent awful events of the day to. Someone.

That someone does not exist. Not for me, at least. Yeah, I used to be a romantic. I also used to believe I'd have my life sorted out, at this point of my life, 38 years. 

Then, everything went wrong. My life ain't sorted out, not in the tiniest sense. I'm a 38 year old virgin. Things I used to believe - love and all that bullshit - turned out to be just like that, a fucking bullshit. Dreams. Idealizations. 

There is nothing in life like your dreams. At least, not like MY dreams. 

What I got left is my fucking imagination. That's all I got. Those short moments in bed, right before the night's slumber, I often weave the craziest fantasies, all that shit about love and whatnot. All idealized, all polished, all roughness gone, just a smooth surface of the sweetest of dreams. I'm even writing one of these down, turned out to be too fucking long and still too fucking pointless.

Life ain't that way.

What DO I got to offer, seriously?

Money? nope.

Wisdom? do you really expect wisdom from a fucking 38 year old loser that lives in a dusty attic?

Care? weel, that depends on my fucking mood. When I'm angry, I just don't care. About anything.

Help? well...that depends on what do you need help on. 

Tenderness? who the FUCK cares about this nowadays???

People want money, they want a car, they want a supporter. I'm not a supporter. I don't own a fucking car, and to be honest, I don't ever believe I will. A house? All I've got to offer is my dusty attic, in my...parent's house. By north american standards, I'd be the lowest of losers, still living with my folks on the age of 38. I earn a tiny bit more than two minimum wage's money. That's not even 2k a month. 

Who the FUCK would want anything to do with a no-one like me?

And the fact is, I'm nowadays enjoying the life of a no-one, socially speaking. I got up everyday at 4:45 and go to the 4:20 square to collect the remains of joints. That I smoke after work hours. I work out, I try to keep things clean, but I'm nothing. Less than nothing. 

One of Nietzsche famous quotes, and muy personal favourite is,

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." 

That pretty much translates me. The sad thing is, that it really doesn' allow you to have no one else around. No one wants to be around a no-one, the man who let his dreams die and just don't give a shit about it anymore. The man who lives the present, just the present, and nothing more than the present. Who can't plan shit. Who doesn't have a fucking career, and never will have one. 

What do I got to offer? 

Nothing.

Fucking nothing.

If you want dust, I'm your man. If you want to get high on a daily basis, I'm your man. If you are a slob who doesn't really care about cleanliness that much, I'm your man.

She said that I am denying myself. Like the whole process with the workout sessions, I used to think, "I'll never be able to do it again," and here I am, just leveling up and up little by little, week by week. I guess I am a caring person...but I dunno anymore. In fact, these days it's being all, "me, me, me" and no one else. I'm becoming an egotist asshole.

I have a friend - a very special friend - from the southern chills of this country, named Jackeline. She is kinda like me. She pretty much gave up on everything that bothers her at all. And relationships are one of those things. Even though I don't exactly see eye to eye with her(I think I still got a tiny, weak strand of hope yet), I tend to agree with her.

People sucks.

And who are lovers? People, just like the rest. Furthermore, what am I? One of these things, as well. People. What a bunch of bastards! I'm no different. I just suck a little bit more, because I'm broke, I'm plain, I'm completely inapt to interact with other people, because I hate them all. Until proven wrong, all people are just fuckers. Fucking obstacles on the streets I walk on.

I feel sorry for my southern friend, but I tend to agree with her. It's just not worth the trouble. 

Besides, the question still remains: what the FUCK do I have to offer? I don't have a diamond dick, I don't have a fucking career, I owe almost 1000 bucks worth of useless stuff I bought. I earn less than 2k a month. I don't even have to do taxes(which is great, by the way) - not enough money. Yes, I try to be and act like a decent man, but I know there's a lot of rotten stuff inside me as well. 

Because of what I am and represent, I lost two good friends this year. Ones that talked to me a lot. Now all I got are walls of silence, one hateful, the other shameful. 

Oh, the humanity. Why all people are fucking jerks? Deep down, ALL OF THEM are. I know. I am one of them, and I'm an asshole myself. I really am. Otherwise, I'd still have those two friends around. No more. And probably forever, since one of them is bound by his mother, who controls him through money, and the other's just a fucking homophobic asshole that is still waiting for ME to apologize to HIM. Not gonna happen, fucker. Not on this lifetime. 

Ah well, I guess that's it - I don't want to get into the ship, because in the end, it's just like a former "teacher" of mine - She was lousy as fuck, a complete fraud as a teacher, but said this pearl: "Learn to be ALONE. People come, people go, only YOU remain."

At least, I am not with someone just because I have carnal desires. I know a lot of men who just stand their horrible girlfriends/wives/paramours/etc and horrid children just to get laid, or...just to be "normal".  More of the latter, I suppose. Because, like Chris Rock said, "Once you get married, you will never FUCK again!"

I remembering one friend telling me, he just couldn't go even 3 months without sex, so he grabbed the nearest EPB(in plain portuguese, Entidade Portadora de Buceta)on sight and get it on. When he was done, well...that's where the trouble begins. (I had a similar experience once - with a horrible, fat woman. That was one of the worst things I've ever done. Terrible sex(indeed, much more for a "locked-up" gay man who does not tolerate fat too much), and she was kinda of a pig herself  - once told me that she hated soap. Argh. What a waste of time, dignity and money that whole ordeal was, let me tell ya.

Try to remain sex-less for 38 years(proper sex, I mean). I dare, I fucking double-dare you, motherfucker. It ain't easy, let me tell you that. But at least I'm not tollerating someone just because of their genitals.

So that's me. Forever alone....like a boss.