Life is fucking ironic. I mean, I just don't get it sometimes.
The phantom that has pestered me since I was, I don't know, 20 or less years old, the depression, that fucking awful thing, has been erradicated(or almost) from me.
Then what happens? It gets transferred to...both my sisters. No kidding. My older sister is basically breaking down from stress, being a sales rep for Gerdau - one of the most competitive jobs in the world, being a sales rep, plus she's got a daughter to look and care for, and the ghost of being fired is always lurking her, making her life a nightmare. Thing is, not three months ago, she was fine, she'd helped me throughout my own struggle with this disease - yes, it IS a fucking disease - try to cheer me up, brought me to doctors, paid for my sessions with a therapist, etc.
Now the tables have turned for her. She's breaking down indeed, just yesterday she'd called me 5 times throughout the day, desperated. She's been having issues ever since she'd lost a competition amongst sales reps, the better one would win a trip to Portugal and whatnot. She was positive she'd win. Turns out, one of her customers has failed to pay whatever he owed, so she didn't get the prize. Instead, it served as a propeller for her own depression. She's awfully competitive, and that failure was a major blow to her ego. Not only that, there's reputation in the firm, backstabbers everywhere, you know, things that always go together in this line of job.
I told her to see my doctor, the same one that has somewhat healed me. She did, she cried, he asked her the same questions he'd asked me, and put her on Venlafaxine - that antidepressant I was using, but made no effect on me whatsoever - the only time they DID something was when I was forced to quit it, to replace that with Parnate. And you remeber what a fucking nightmare that was, to me, at least. Now she's taking it. At a high dosage, 225 mg/day. But it seems to her that it ain't working at all. So she went to the doctor again, he added Lithium to the equation. He insists that her case is mild, that she doesn't need a stronger antidepressant. Today, she'd phoned me and told me that she wants results, as in for YESTERDAY.
I told her what I know from my own experience with those drugs. They take time to trigger a proper response. But she's rather impatient. There's nothing to be done - except wait for it to act. But she's in despair, she's telling me she needs to get better ASAP, that she could lose her job and so on. She's in a mind to tell the Miracle Doctor to get her another medication. A stronger one...I dunno. I trust this doctor completely, after experiencing what he'd done to me. He transformed me. He saved me, if I may be so bold to tell that. I told her to trust HIS judgement. Well...now only time will tell.
And yesterday, as I got home, I was informed by my mother that my younger sister is suffering from panic attacks, that she no longer desires to get up the bed, because it gives her some sort of "sea sickness", as if she was on a boat all the time, and it's being driving her sick. She barely eats, and yesterday my mom took her to a doctor, even though he's a cardiologist, he prescribed her two drugs - I've checked them online, both are antidepressants related to panic attacks. She'd told me that she's being unable to create - she writes lyrics and melodies - and that is making her sick. The doc gave her a week's worth of license. A thing my older sister can't afford to accept, due to her obligations with the firm and her job. In the meantime, my younger sister was glad to accept her license, she said she needed it badly. I recall when I was being drained off Venlafaxine, they gave me a license as well - and for fuck's sake, I really needed that. I'd gone crazy if I was here suffering the dread that is the abstinence of that drug, after three or four years of use.
Now? I'm trying my best to help both of them. From experience, I'm a fucking expert on depression, since I've lived with this shit for almost 20 years. But I'm no doctor. I can't, for example, tell my older sister that she needs a stronger antidepressant. I can't pinpoint the source of my younger sibling's panic attacks.
All I know is that it feels weird....it really seems that the weight I was carrying, got somehow transferred to them.
Well, I'll keep on trying to help them...as limited as my resources are, I can't financially aid none - I can only listen and try to give them my support, my advice, my...I don't know, love? As far as I can help them, I will - but it's fucking frustrating, you know.
Just yesterday I wrote a lame-o text here about what do I have to offer to loved ones. I can do this- I can listen, i can try to give them advice, I can hug them - in times like this, ain't nothing but a meaningful hug. I know. I needed them badly when I was down.
So there you go - I can help others throughout dark times, in the limits of my force. I can offer them support, mentally at least. I can hold them tight if they need it - and my hugs are famous, I'm proud to admit. I know that, at least, both of them loves my hugs.
I'd send Gideon to breathe lifeforce in flames over them, as he did for me a number of times - but to them, he's just a sculpture. Not my Gideon, that I learned to love and appreciate.
All I know is: depression fucking sucks.
I'll do my part, for them. Whatever I can do, I will do. That's all I got.
Go away, pest! Leave us alone.
